Everyone gets angry from time to time. Anger and arguments are normal parts of healthy relationships. But anger that leads to threatening, hitting, or hurting someone is not normal or healthy. It's a form of abuse. Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse is not okay in any relationship. When it occurs between spouses or partners or in a dating relationship, it is called intimate partner violence. This is a type of domestic abuse.
Domestic abuse is also called domestic violence. It isn't the same as having an argument now and then. It is a pattern of abuse that one person may use to control another.
Domestic violence can happen to anyone, at any age. It doesn't matter what race, religion, or gender people are, what their level of education is, or how much money they make. It's a common problem in the United States.
Does someone in your life:
If any of these things are happening, you need to get help. It's important to know that you are not alone and the abuse isn't your fault. There is no excuse for domestic abuse or violence. There are resources available that can help keep you safe.
Living in an abusive relationship can cause long-term health problems. These include:
People who are sexually abused by their partners have a higher chance of having sexually transmitted infections, unplanned pregnancy, and other problems.
Abuse can happen more often and get worse during pregnancy. People who are abused are more likely to have problems such as low weight gain, anemia, infections, and bleeding during pregnancy. Abuse during this time may increase the baby's risk of low birth weight, premature birth, or death.
Abusers often blame the victim for the abuse. They may say "you made me do it." This is not true. People are responsible for their own actions. They may say they're sorry and tell you it will never happen again, even though it already has.
If you are in an abusive relationship, ask for help. This may be hard, but know that you aren't alone. Ask family and friends for help and support. Your doctor, a counselor, your employer, or a faith leader can help you connect with resources for people experiencing abuse. National hotlines can also help you find resources in your area.
Domestic violence is physical, emotional, or sexual abuse that happens in a personal relationship. The abuser may use fear, bullying, and threats to gain power and control over the other person. The abuser may act jealous, controlling, or possessive. The abuser may follow the victim or constantly call or text them (stalking). Over time, the abuse may get worse.
Intimate partner violence can be very dangerous. It can cause serious, repeated injury. It can even lead to death.
All forms of abuse can cause long-term health problems from the stress of a violent relationship. Verbal abuse can lead to sexual and physical abuse.
Abuse causes:
Sexual abuse can lead to sexually transmitted infections (such as HIV/AIDS) and unplanned pregnancy.
Pregnancy can be a very dangerous time for people in abusive relationships. Abuse can cause or increase the risk of problems during pregnancy. These include low weight gain, anemia, infections, and bleeding. Abuse may also increase your baby's risk of low birth weight, premature birth, and death.
It can be hard for some victims of abuse to ask for help or to leave their relationship. You may feel scared, stuck, or not sure what steps to take. But it's important not to ignore abuse. Talking to someone you trust could be the first step to ending the abuse and taking care of your own health and happiness again. There are resources available that can help keep you safe.
Intimate partner violence—a type of domestic violence—can take many forms. It can affect your mind and emotions, or it can be physical or dangerous to your life. If you're not sure if you're being abused, ask yourself the following questions.
Does your partner:
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship. There are people who can help you. You are not alone. Talk to someone you trust, such as a friend or a doctor. Or get help from a center for victims of domestic violence. Talking with someone can help you make the changes you need to stay safe.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you find resources in your area. This nationwide database has detailed information on domestic violence shelters, other emergency shelters, legal support and assistance programs, and social service programs.
Abuse can happen in different ways. Each type can happen on its own or in combination with others.
Emotional abuse is a pattern of threats, insults, or controlling behavior. It includes verbal abuse. It goes beyond healthy disagreements in a relationship. It's a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
Do you feel threatened, intimidated, or controlled?
Does your partner:
Another form of emotional abuse is denying that it is happening. Or the abuser may act like the abuse is no big deal or is your fault.
With sexual abuse, abusers may try to convince or force you to have sex. They may force you into sex acts you're not comfortable with. Or they may sexually assault you. Sexual abuse can happen even if you are in a committed relationship.
Physical abuse means that a partner hits, kicks, or does something else to physically hurt you. Physical abuse that starts with a slap might lead to kicking, shoving, and choking over time. The abuser may also threaten to hurt or kill you.
Stalking means that an abuser gives you attention that you do not want and that causes you fear. Examples of stalking include:
A violent relationship puts you and your children at risk for injury and even death. Developing a plan will help provide for your safety and the safety of your children.
There are steps you can take to protect yourself. Your first step is to contact a local advocacy group for support, information, and advice on how to stay safe. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) or visit www.thehotline.org for the nearest program. The hotline is available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, in English, Spanish, and other languages.
You can also see the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website at https://ncadv.org/resources to find programs that offer shelter and legal support.
Your local advocacy group can help you get in touch with legal and social services in your area. This group may also provide information on counseling and support groups that can help you recover emotionally from your abuse.
Here are some things you can do to help a friend or family member who is in an abusive relationship:
The most important step is to help your friend contact local domestic violence groups. There are local programs across the country that provide options for safety, support, needed information and services, and legal support. To find the nearest program, call:
Be careful giving your friend written information. It may not be safe for them to take it home. See if you can keep it for them. Your friend should be careful online too. Their online activity may be seen by others. They shouldn't use their personal computer or device to search for these programs. Offer to let your friend use your computer or device. Or they could use a safe computer at work or a library.
Pregnancy can be an especially dangerous time for people who are in abusive relationships. Abuse can cause or increase the risk of problems during pregnancy, such as low weight gain, anemia, infections, and bleeding.
Abuse can happen more often and get worse when you are pregnant. It is dangerous for both you and your baby. It can raise your baby's risk of low birth weight, premature birth, and death.
People who are not abused might find it hard to understand why anyone would stay in an abusive relationship. Victims are often blamed. Some people falsely believe that if a person stays, they must be weak or needy. This is not true.
Changing or ending any relationship is hard. It can be even harder when the relationship is abusive. People stay for many reasons.
Abusers use verbal, emotional, and physical violence along with apologies, promises, and affection to control their victims. A victim may hold on to the hope that the abuser will change. Along with painful times, there may be loving moments. The abuser may also be the only one providing financial support for the family.
Victims often feel a lot of shame and embarrassment and use denial as a way of coping with the abuse.
In many cases, the abuser has threatened to kill their partner, themself, or the children if their partner tries to leave.
Money is often tightly controlled, so a victim may fear losing financial support and may question how they will be able to support themself and their children. People who are elderly or have disabilities may not feel that they have any other options than to stay with the abusive partner.
Abuse can leave victims depressed and emotionally drained. This can make it hard to act. And abusers try to isolate victims from family and friends so that the victims do not have anyone to support them if they do leave.
In some cases, friends, relatives, or faith leaders may encourage victims to stay to keep the family together no matter what.
A person may worry about losing custody of their children if they leave.
Victims that are immigrants might stay in an abusive relationship because their partners have threatened to have them deported. Not being fluent in English might also be a challenge.
In some relationships, both partners abuse each other. The abuse may be equal, or one partner may be more abusive than the other. A partner may worry about things like losing custody of their children or going to jail if they report the abuse.
Talk to a trusted friend. Find a local advocacy group, or talk to your doctor about the abuse.
Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) for more safety tips. They can guide you to groups in your area that can help. Or go to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website at www.thehotline.org to learn more.
Domestic violence groups or a counselor in your area can help you make a safety plan for yourself and your children.
Call 911 anytime you think you may need emergency care. For example, call if:
Teen dating violence is dangerous for you physically and emotionally. It can also put you at risk for other health problems, such as:
Teens in abusive relationships are also more likely to take sexual risks, do poorly in school, and use drugs, alcohol, and tobacco. They are at a higher risk for pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). They are also more likely to be in an abusive relationship as an adult.
Making a plan can help provide for your safety and your children's safety. Here are some steps you can take to protect yourself and your children.
If leaving is not possible, try to move into a safe area of your home. Avoid areas with no exits, such as closets or bathrooms. Also avoid areas with objects that can be used as weapons, such as the kitchen.
Make yourself physically smaller by curling into a ball and covering your head and face with your hands.
Have them go to a safe area in the home when an argument occurs. Teach them how to protect themselves from injury.
Try to hide guns, ammunition, knives, and any other weapons, unless hiding them creates an unsafe situation for you. If hiding the weapons isn't possible, try to make them hard to find or use.
Create a code word or sign that can be used to alert family, friends, teachers, or coworkers when to call for help.
Think about hiding a prepaid cell phone to use in emergencies.
If you have a car, make sure that there's always gas in the tank. Keep the driver's door unlocked, and lock all other doors. Have a copy of the car key made, and hide it in the car. Park the car in a way that makes it easy to drive away quickly.
Consider telling neighbors about the violence, and ask that they call the police if they hear loud noises coming from your home.
Contact a local advocacy group for support, information, and advice on how to stay safe. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233), or see the website at www.thehotline.org for the nearest advocacy program. The hotline is available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, in English, Spanish, and other languages.
Also, see the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence's website at https://ncadv.org/resources to find programs that offer shelter and legal support.
Intimate partner violence is a type of domestic abuse. It's threatening, emotionally harmful, or violent behavior in a personal relationship. It can happen between past or current partners or spouses. In some relationships both people abuse each other. One partner may be more abusive. Or the abuse may be equal.
Abuse can affect people of any ethnic group, race, or religion. It can affect teens, adults, or the elderly. And it can happen to people of any sexual orientation, gender, or social status.
Abusers use fear, bullying, and threats to control their partners. They may control what their partners do. They may control where their partners go or who they see. They may act jealous, controlling, or possessive. These early signs of abuse may happen soon after the start of the relationship. Sometimes it can be hard to notice abuse at first. But after the relationship becomes more serious, the abuse may get worse.
If you are being abused in your relationship, it's important to get help. The abuse is not your fault. You don't have to face it alone.
It may not be safe to take home domestic abuse information like this handout. Some people ask a trusted friend to keep it for them. It's also important to plan ahead and to memorize the phone number of places you can go for help. If you are concerned about your safety, do not use your computer, smartphone, or tablet to read about domestic abuse.
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