What is violent and aggressive behavior in youth?

All children have times when they are angry and defiant. Many children begin to express these emotions during their second year. It is a normal part of a child's urge to take charge of their life. However, your child may act out in ways that puzzle or frighten you. It can be very painful to see your child bullying other children or becoming violent.

You can help your child learn to understand and manage angry feelings. Show your child the behavior you want to see. Set firm, clear limits around what behavior is okay. If you are consistent in your own behavior, it will help your child understand how to behave with other people. If you need help with your child's behavior, talk to your doctor or a counselor.

Children and teens usually give hints that they are thinking about being violent toward others.

Watch for behavior changes in your child or teen. For instance, your child or teen may:

• Talk, write, draw, or post on social media about death and violence, especially violence toward specific people or groups of people. These include student groups or places such as schools, churches, or government buildings.
• Spend a lot of time listening to music about violence or watching violent shows on TV, videos, or online.
• Have unexplained mood changes or intense anger, or lose their temper every day.
• Withdraw from friends, family, and activities that they used to enjoy.
• Act aggressively toward others. This may include:
  • Hurting animals.
  • Teasing or taunting others by calling them names, making fun of them, or threatening them.
  • Making threatening phone calls.
  • Damaging or vandalizing another person's property.
  • Fighting often.
• Follow or stalk another person.
• Have frequent problems with figures of authority.
• Take risks, such as speeding, drinking and driving, or having unprotected sex.
• Carry or talk about a weapon, especially a firearm.
• Buy or talk about using other ways, such as poisons, to kill or harm others.
• Not take responsibility for their actions. Or your child may say that the actions are correct because of how they have been treated.

• Teach your child ways to express anger that do not hurt others. Do not reward angry or violent behavior.
• Show your child how to use words to express feelings. Praise your child when they use words instead of fists.
• Engage your child in games and activities where playing well with others pays off. Children can learn a lot about "cause and effect" by rolling a ball back and forth with someone.
• Teach your child that sharing and give-and-take mean that both people win. For example, have one child divide a snack and have the other child pick first, or have one child suggest two games and have the other child choose first.
• Help your child learn that it is okay to be angry at times and that there are healthy ways to work through that anger.
• Be consistent with your limits, and make sure your child understands what the limits are. Just as important, follow through on what happens if your child exceeds limits.
• Try using a "time-out" to stop aggressive behavior. Time-out means that you remove your young child from a stressful situation for a short period of time. The rule of thumb is 1 minute for each year of age, with a maximum of 5 minutes. This gives your child time to calm down and think about their actions.
  • Time-out works if it happens right after the bad behavior. Do not wait until later in the day or week.
  • Time-out works best when your child is old enough to understand. This usually begins around three years of age.
  • When you put your child in time-out, do not do it in anger. Be calm and firm.
  • Give your child a hug after the time-out is over.
• Talk to your doctor about parent education classes or helpful books about child behavior.
• Talk with other parents about the ways they cope with behavior issues.

Certain things make violent behavior in children or teens more likely. These are called risk factors. They can include any or a combination of these things:

• Experiencing or being exposed to violence in the home, school, or community.
• Constantly being bullied.
• Having less parental or adult involvement.
• Using drugs or alcohol.
• Being a member of a gang or having a strong desire to become part of a gang.
• Having access to or a fascination with guns or other violent weapons.
• Feeling rejected, alone, or disrespected.
• Having poor school performance or attendance.

Violent behavior includes fighting, bullying, and using a weapon to threaten or hurt others. Most violence occurs between friends or acquaintances or in families. It may be aimed at parents, other children, friends, or family members.